This is so going down in History...

Confucius says...

1. If it is crunchy, it's not a fruit (Who's with me on this?)
   
   
2. Some people just don't like chocolate. Get over it.
    
3. Never do today what you can put off ’til somebody gets upset, gives you an earful about it (which you tune out with a cleverly disguised iPod), gives up and does it themselves.
   
   
4. More lip, less tongue. Always. (Is somebody writing this down?)
   
   
5. The superior man...knows that whatever he says will eventually come back and bite him in the ass.
    
6. In Grad school you'll learn that, 2+2 = Way Too Much. (Speaking of Grad school, check this out)
    
7. ...You will also learn there that things are ALWAYS worse than what they seem (True story.)

  *****

In other relatively not-so-intellectually-stimulating news, I have won awards mes amis! *big grin*. Firstly, Akansha, who has give me so many I lost count after the first few, thank you! Secondly, Ash, again, too many to mention, thank you! And lastly, Tomurai for the Kreativ (did I spell that right?) blogger award, but more for the delightful (but oh, so true!) comment that accompanied the award, much thanks :)

All this award-giving has me inspired! So, dudes and dudettes, prepare yourself to be blown away by the most awesome thing ever since toothpaste....presenting for the first (and hopefully, not the last) time ever....THE 2009 QUIBBLER AWARDS!!! (Can I get a "Hells, yeah!"?)

Yes yes, your excitement is palpabale. So, before you groan and switch to another page, here are the Blogosphere's elite - (Humour me, I have a lot of time on my hands right now, with nothing to do.)

• For being the most kick-ass followers, The Quibbler Award for the Most Awesome Follower goes to - Raghav, Ash, Akansha and Tara.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Everybody has these right? Someone who inspired you to start a blog? Someone who persuades you to not delete it every other day? Someone who gives you a reason to continue writing one? Someone who you keep in regular touch with outside the blogosphere too? The Quibbler Award for the Best Blog Buddy goes to - Kar, Tara, Raghav, Ash, Arjun and Vimal.... I ♥ you guys!
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Now who doesn't love a good laugh? I know some outrageously funny people who, like, totally deserve The Quibbler Award for the Funniest Blogger in Town - Domain Maximus, Twisted DNA, Dr.Grumpy, Coconut Chutney, Sindhu and Tomurai.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• And lastly, but not leastly, The Quibbler Award for the Thought-provoking Blog (A.k.a - Blogs I can relate to and simply love because they-make-me-laugh-first-and-then-make-me-think) goes to - Estarra, Divya, Ramsub, Kriti, Ash, Astrodominie and, erm, Spaz Kumari(?)
  
  

Congratulations to all of you! Who needs the Oscars when we have the Quibbler Awards?? Let us start a revolution. LET US MAKE THE QAs A THING PEOPLE!!

In which he talked about burgers

Folks, there comes a time in every blogger's life when they realise they have absolutely nothing to talk about. Zip. Zilch. And that's where guest bloggers (bless them) come in.

A super awesome blogger, Vimal - who (for reasons he refuses to accept as foolish) stopped blogging sometime back - has graciously accepted to rescue my fast dying blog.

So, Dudes and Dudettes, without any further ado let me present to you (one of many more to come) Professor Vimal's teachings.

Principles of Inconspicuous Burger Eating :

Today I would like to talk about the art of eating a burger while drawing least attention to yourself. Pay strict attention to this, because what follows is the elegant result of hours and hours of painstaking research and much embarrassment at various burger outlets across the subcontinent. And also because in your lifetime, you are highly unlikely to encounter another treatise on the art of inconspicuous burger eating.

• The first thing you have to keep in mind while attempting to partake of a burger is this - Never try to act smooth with the burger. It is almost always smarter than you and in the end, you will end up real messy.
  
  
• Respect the burger, and the burger shall respect you. (Vimal's First principle of inconspicuous burger eating)
  
  
• Be confident. Never let the burger know that you are anxious to perform well. A Burger is like a grizzly bear. If it smells fear on you, it will umm....disintegrate. ( I don’t know if bears can smell your fear, or if they fall apart on you if they do smell fear. But I do know they can smell honey.)
  
  
• Never, never, never EVER order a burger while on a date. (Vimal's Second principle of inconspicuous burger eating). Unless its a blind date and its not turning out to be the way you expected it to and you want to get rid of the girl/guy as soon as possible. In which case, eating a badly made burger is the magic solution. It ranks even above admitting to snoring loud enough to wake up the birds and send the house nocturnes scurrying for cover but a shade below spitting on her/his face while talking.
  
  
• Remember, if you eat the burger without making a mess, you will be very happy. You win over the burger. But if you do make a mess, and the burger wins over you, you are sad, but nobody is happy. The burger feels neither happiness nor sadness. It has nothing to lose. Therein lies its great strength. You on the other hand, have a lot more than self respect to lose. So, the burger is the underdog, and you are in the spotlight. Thats your greatest weakness. Always remember that. (Vimal's Third principle of inconspicuous burger eating)
  
  
• All those towering 10-storied burgers look good only in pictures. Homo sapiens have physiological and biomechanical limitations. There is only so much that the oral orifice can stretch. You cannot eat those WTC burgers unless you are The (Turbocharged, Nuclear powered) Hulk on steroids. Or a crocodile. You just cannot. They are only used in adverts to show that something is worth much more than you pay for or something like that...10-storied burgers do not exist. (Aren’t you glad they dont?!)
  
  
• All those who have meditated on the most politically correct way to eat a burger have come to the inescapable conclusion that "The diameter of the cutlet is inversely proportional to the ease of "eatability" of the burger." (Vimal's Fourth principle of inconspicuous burger eating). And directly proportional to the length of the mayonnaise whiskers on your face. (Corollary to Vimal's 4th law)
  
  
• I have noticed that Ketchup and Mayonnaise stains show up in the most unusual and unexpected places. For example, there were baffling ketchup stains on my left elbow when I tried to eat a burger yesterday. And the last time Ram (blogger's friend) tried to eat a burger, there were inexplicable Mayo stains on his left ear. And on his neck. We never quite figured out how, or why.
  
  
• While eating a badly sealed burger, adopting a conservative attacking style is most recommended. Unless of course your mouth opens wide enough to accommodate a large pineapple, or a medium sized ostrich. It is advisable to make cups with your palms and hold them together and clasp the end diametrically opposite to the one you are biting on, to prevent the cutlet from falling out, and to provide structural rigidity to the burger. Your palms will be stained with mayo and sauce of course, but it is definitely not worse than having a large chunk of chicken cutlet on your lap. (also refer to Vimal's 4th law)
  
  
• Sometimes it is a very good idea to dismantle the burger into its constituent elements before attempting to eat it. Sometimes it is inevitable. And is the only way to save your face. Literally.

All said and done, burger is a very delicious and nutritious food item. My favourite too. Don’t let this treatise on burger eating discourage you from formulating and executing your own methods. After all, eating a burger is an art, and there are as many ways of eating a burger as there are burger eaters. Happy and clean eating, folks!

Peace.
Vimal.

The Exam Anamoly...

... A.k.a The 12th Commandment - "Thou shalt do anything but study until the day before the actual exam. (And then bitch and moan and kick yourself for it later)"

*****

Dear Facebook friends,

I love you, you know that right? Atleast I love most of you (The people who I barely remember from the blurry, what-was-I-thinking haze that was high school, can eat my shorts) but that does NOT mean I like the gazillion updates I get from you about Farmville, Mafia Wars, Friend of the day, Date of the day, Prediction of the day and such like.

Now, read this carefully - come on, say it with me - NOBODY CARES. (To be repeated as long as it takes for the message to sink in (Am I the only one who thought of Umbridge just now? Hehe.))

You are crowding up my already hideous-looking wall. The "skip" button is there for a reason! Use it people! You are teetering on the fine line that is between toleration and getting deleted from my friend list.

You've been warned.

Sincerely,
An irate friend.

*****

Dear Fast-approaching Final Exams,

(And by fast-approaching I mean two days away.)

I Hate You.

Hatefully yours,
Someone who has always hated you, currently hates you and will continue to hate you.

*****

Dear Fast-approaching Final Exams,

(And by fast-approaching I mean two days away.)

(Ignore my last letter. I did not mean that. I was high. Actually that wasn't even me! It was my...evil twin?)

I Love You. :D
Have I mentioned how pretty you look today? :D
Be nice to me :D

Lovingly,
Someone who has always liked you, currently likes you and will continue to like you :D

*****

Dear Dressed-up People in the Bus Station,

Don't y'all look mighty fine today! With the poofy dresses and the high hemlines and the low necklines (so low infact one wouldn't even know where the neckline ended and the dress began) and the weird accessories in your hair. Where are you going? Is there a party somewhere I'm not aware of? Take me with you :(

What's that? I don't have a dress you say? Not to worry! I shall take any of my longer shirts and with a rip here and a strategic tear there, I should be looking no different from any of you! What do you say?

Hopefully,

Someone who's good to go.

*****

Dear Classmate-I-had-no-idea-existed,

Who are you? Have I met you? How did you get my number? And even if for some reason, somehow, you did get my number, stop passing it on to strangers. Especially to strangers who work in a gym. Who then call me up (and pronounce my name so perfectly I am tempted to stand up and applaud them (Aussies) while wiping tears of joy from my eyes (Although they did call me Suman at first)) saying I was "recommended" to them by you and ask me if I would like to join. Are you trying to tell me something?

Confusedly,

Someone who's not entirely sure what to make of this.

*****